If you look at me and all you see are my flaws, it begs the question, what is it about you that makes you blind to my strengths? Is it a choice you’ve made, or is there something deeper there for you to discover about yourself?
– CS
Peace in Your Heart
Some people will dislike you simply because you are able to find peace in the midst of struggles and storms. Your happiness is a source of pain for them. To control perceptions and justify their contempt towards you, these people may stoop to distorting the truth. They try to alienate you from loved ones you have in common. You are by no means the only person they treat this way. Enabling their behavior helps no one. It is absolutely OK to cut these people out of your life. Do it with peace in your heart.
– CS
Superpower
Managing all relationships, especially difficult ones gracefully is easier when you are committed to taking a breath before reacting. Applying critical thinking when signals get crossed can become almost second nature with practice. Yes, you will get it wrong sometimes, and you will be misunderstood sometimes, but you will also get it right sometimes. You will establish yourself as someone who deserves the benefit of the doubt in those moments when you do make mistakes. Even so, some will recognize that your ability to apologize for missteps, and to forgive the mistakes of others is your superpower, and they will try to take you down. Those people have no understanding of any of the words that precede this final sentence.
-CS
These people are miserable
There are people in this world who when you are generous with them, they assume you view them as a charity case. When you show interest and ask how they are doing, they assume you are sizing them up. When you open your life to them or invite them to travel with you, they eagerly accept, but never extend an invitation of any kind, even small. When you introduce them to your circle, they assume there is something magical about them that makes your loved ones welcome them, and all the while, they keep their lives closed to you. When you succeed, they view your success as robbing them of something. When you’re happy they want you to be sad. When you’re sad, they want you to be miserable. These people are miserable.
Laundry List
If you have a laundry list of grievances against pretty much everyone in your life, you should know something.
They know it.
They see that you never apologize for the things you do to hurt others and they see the look of self-righteous judgement on your face.
They see that you spend most of your time alone.
The ones who care will observe that you cut relationships off because you don’t know how to build bridges. Efforts to mend things are met with your door closed and locked. This is how you establish “control” of a situation you don’t have the emotional maturity to work through.
You believe you can read peoples’ minds. You think they judge you for the things you have judged yourself for. But you can’t read minds. These are your feelings about yourself and what you imagine others think of you.
You expect people to read your mind and know that when you slam the door, what you really want is for them to come knocking. But even when they do you won’t open the door because you want to stay in “control”. And you’ll resent these people most because they give you hope, but ultimately there is nothing they can do to help you.
– CS
8 Little Reminders
Notes to a Covert Narcissist:
1. Just because you sit quietly, does not mean you’re successfully hiding the storm raging in your mind. Your silence can’t always hide what is written on your heart.
2. Your fear of speaking up is your challenge. You should not resent others because they are brave enough to express themselves. Choose to feel inspired by the success of others and their joy instead of rejecting them because they intimidate you.
3. Just because others are confident and assertive, does not mean that they are against you.
4. People who speak up are often trying simply to get a conversation going. It does not mean they are trying to initiate a conversation that will stand in direct opposition to you and your ideas.
5. Just because you see clearly the faults of others, does not mean you do not possess a list of shortcomings yourself.
6. Just because you hold certain qualities to be pure and true, does not mean that you actually possess those qualities yourself.
7. Your terrible fear of being judged has made you shamefully judgmental of others.
8. Stop assuming everyone is against you.
– CS
Self-Compassion vs. Self-Esteem
I came across this article on the Harvard Business Review Blog and I found it to be very interesting. It does not take a cheesy, self-help tone at all, and it’s relevant even to folks like myself who exist well outside the inner circles of the “business world.” In fact, this article lead me to others like in on this blog. A very pleasant find and some good reading ahead for yours truly.
– CS
To Succeed, Forget Self-Esteem
“Self-compassion is a willingness to look at your own mistakes and shortcomings with kindness and understanding — it’s embracing the fact that to err is indeed human. When you are self-compassionate in the face of difficulty, you neither judge yourself harshly, nor feel the need to defensively focus on all your awesome qualities to protect your ego.”
Growth is Not for the Lazy
Living a closed off and sheltered life, allows one to believe anything; it becomes easy to rationalize away any thought, concept or idea that doesn’t support what one wishes to be true. It might be tempting to believe you are truly free. But the prison of one’s own mind can be the most toxic space of all. Meaningful social interaction can provide valuable points of reflection if we’re open to seeking them out. We must be engaged in the process. Personal growth requires action. It’s not for the lazy.
-CS
The Unhappy One
Always accepts invitations, but almost never extends them
Readily receives generosity but rarely offers it.
Extends generosity only for selfish gain, and the receiver is subtly, often behind their back, accused of using her.
For the most part befriends only unattractive, socially awkward people who are outgoing enough to be the aggressor in the initial forming of the friendship, but not so outgoing that they intimidate her
Uses these people for access to their circle of friends, because she herself is not comfortable with the vulnerability that sometimes accompanies the effort of making her own friends. Other people’s friends allow her comfortable distance where she can still convince herself she is popular without having to do the work of maintaining meaningful connections.
Cuts off relationships with people who, turn out to be outgoing or socially vibrant or cantankerous and therefore intimidating
Finds ways to create the illusion of unforgivable fault in those people as her excuse for ending these relationships.
Is deeply unsatisfied with her life and blames other people for her failures and shortcomings.
Takes credit for other peoples achievements whenever she can get away with it.
Believes her own lies
Can’t bare to be challenged or disagreed with and takes even the slightest hint, even in very casual conversation, that someone is asking her to consider another perspective, as a direct insult.
Avoids interacting in meaningful or deep ways with anyone she perceives to be more attractive, intelligent, talented, outgoing or successful than herself (close relatives and their loved ones included). Allows only brief and superficial interaction with these people.
Takes questions showing interest in her life, her activities and her children as if the interested party is sizing her up and judging her.
Harbors secret resentment for years
Rarely engages in any kind of self examination
Rarely admits personal fault, even to herself
Never apologizes for anything she has done wrong, because of course she won’t admit that she has done anything wrong
Is very skilled at forgetting good things from the past and exaggerating the bad, often positioning herself as a victim in scenarios from childhood that others would look upon fondly as lessons learned in the school of life.
Rarely remembers her own bad behavior from the past.
Is aware of how despicable all of this is and strategically weaves a (weak) cover up on social media by interacting superficially with people she avoids otherwise, leaving saccharine pleasantries as comments, calculating each “like” click, and projecting an overall pleasant outlook that directly contradicts her true feelings.
She is the unhappy one.
– CS
Notes on Social Anxiety…
(Much of the below was gathered from this site – PsychSolve).
Self Esteem Issues
People with low self-esteem may find it harder to make decisions, because they doubt that they’ll be successful. They also find it harder to make friends, because they’re shy or they don’t think other people will like them. In addition, people with low self-esteem frequently stay away from situations in which they might be judged, so they avoid challenges or trying new things, especially when other people are around.
Challenge Cognitive Distortions
Cognitive distortions are unhelpful thinking styles that often cause people to make automatic judgments about themselves, others, and the world. For example, overgeneralizing involves making broad negative conclusions about life based on limited situations, and minimizing and maximizing involve discounting the positive and enlarging the negative aspects of life. Another cognitive distortion is mind reading, where people assume they know what others are thinking about them. All of these cognitive distortions need to be successfully challenged in order to remove the power of the self-critic.
Challenge Core Beliefs
As the work on challenging cognitive distortions continues, people usually begin to notice common themes among their thoughts. These themes often point to deeper, more firmly entrenched core beliefs about one’s self that make a person more vulnerable to low self-esteem. These core beliefs, often called schemas, include thoughts like “I’m a failure,” “I’m worthless,” and “I’m unlovable.” When these core beliefs are encountered, they too need to be challenged and modified
Negative Schemas
Most often, negative schemas develop at an early age. Children hold beliefs about themselves that they learn from their parents and other adults. For example, children who hear judgmental messages such as “You’re lazy” or “You’re stupid” will begin to think that these things are true and grow up to be adults who think they are lazy, stupid, or generally incompetent.
Similarly, children who are abused, mistreated, or criticized often think they’ve done something sufficiently bad to deserve their mistreatment—regardless of the fact that none of these unkind comments or actions is deserved. Nevertheless, these children often think poorly of themselves as a result, and may develop the belief that everyone will mistreat them. As adults, these same people continue to think poorly of themselves and their negative schemas continue to grow stronger. Sadly, if left untreated, negative schemas don’t change very much throughout life; instead, they continue to be harmful to the person’s self-esteem and relationships.
A Few Examples of Negative Schemas (I chose ones that fit my family dynamic as examples)
Social isolation or alienation. People with this schema believe that they are so different from everyone else in the world that they will never be able to fit in or be accepted.
Dependence or incompetence. People with this schema believe that they are incapable or not smart enough to do anything without great assistance from other people.
Failure. People with this schema believe that they have never succeeded, nor can they ever succeed, no matter what the task.
Approval seeking or recognition seeking. People with this schema are constantly trying to gain the appreciation and support of others. As a result, they fail to develop a sense of valid self-worth, because all of their value is dependent on what other people think of them.
Negativity or pessimism. People with this schema only pay attention to the sad and difficult parts of life, such as troubles, grief, pain, destruction, and the loss of life. They also fail to see, or purposely ignore, anything good that might be taking place; plus, they usually expect that the worst will happen.
Emotional inhibition. People with this schema stop themselves from saying, doing, or feeling certain things that that they fear might bother or offend someone else. In essence, they “stuff” all of their true feelings and opinions to satisfy other people.
HOW TO MAKE IT BETTER
Many people’s schemas have existed since they were children. Therefore, an important part of the CBT treatment (Cognitive behavioral therapy) for schema-focused relationship problems is to look for evidence throughout a person’s life that both supports and refutes the truth of the schema. It’s often easier for people to remember events that support a negative schema, so it can take more work to think of events that refute the schema. For example, if a man had a schema of incompetence, it might be easier for him to think of things that he messed up or did incorrectly than things that he did correctly or even perfectly. But by remembering these other events and the evidence they provide to refute the schema, the schema begins to loosen its hold on the person’s life. The schema can’t be 100 percent true if contrary evidence exists.
What I take from this
It takes a lot of work and self examination to confront negative schema and move in a more productive direction but it’s worth it. Walking around with a chip on your shoulder is a great burden and it only drags you down. I am happy to be empowered with the knowledge that I have the tools to help myself and I don’t have to blame other people for my anxiety and frustration in life.
“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle